STRATEGIES FOR SURVIVAL
When I post the sequence of “fight-flee-faint-fawn” people respond with a chronology of actions about their own animals or some other context. What I’m talking about is the biological behaviors that are part of the functioning of mammals for the purpose of survival. These are biology based and “instinctive” rather than deliberate. Without thinking they fight the predators and aggressors; they run away in order to survive which is smart if they couldn’t win a fight; they faint like a possum so they’ll be considered dead; or they fawn on the bigger animal in hopes of triggering the reflexes of infant care or possibly sexual bonding.
The last one gets very little attention in regards to the sub-category of mammals called “human” because we like to think that “fawning” is atypical and emotional, not a strategy for self-protection. Dogs know better. Puppies are excellent at the behavior but even grown dogs do it. They might fawn only on bonded humans or on other dogs to which they bond. (Researchers say that many dogs bond to other dogs rather than humans. Some even choose different species, like horses.)
“In a nutshell, “fawning” is the use of people-pleasing to diffuse conflict, feel more secure in relationships, and earn the approval of others. It’s a maladaptive way of creating safety in our connections with others by essentially mirroring the imagined expectations and desires of other people.”
It’s pejorative to say fawning is maladaptive — judgmental, really, and probably the reason it never gets included by the biologists or psychologists who address it as a problem. If it works to preserve the fawner, isn’t it adaptive?
“Fawning requires knowledge of whomever is hurting you and skill to know how to appease them. It is often seen in people who endure narcissistic abuse. Fawning is also sometimes associated with codependency. Both are emotional responses that are triggered by complex PTSD.”
“How to overcome it
- Show kindness when you mean it. It’s perfectly fine — and even a good thing — to practice kindness. …
- Practice putting yourself first. You need energy and emotional resources to help others. …
- Learn to set boundaries. …
- Wait until you’re asked for help. …
- Talk to a therapist.”
Both these quotes are unidentified sources listed on Google. Both accept this narrow and pejorative idea of “fawning” that does not add it to the list of mammal survival techniques that are so biologically embedded that they emerge just like fighting or fleeing. I have two cultural experience contexts that feature fawning as strategy.. One is that of some reservation Indians whom they themselves call “hang around the fort Indians”. Pleasing white people in authority. The other is ministry, both from the inside and from the outside. Pleasing one’s parishioners and satisfying one’s denominational authorities.
When I first attended Portland First Unitarian Church in 1975 and looked at the minister in his bright red Harvard academic robe standing in the pulpit, all flashing eyes and resonant voice, I thought, “Oh, no. Don’t let me get attached.” Because that’s one way I had survived until then, becoming the indispensable helper of some powerful man like Bob Scriver. It’s the way my mother taught me, the way her father ran the family. It’s cultural as well as biological.
This particular minister was never going to be interested in me because of my nature and skills. He was already surrounded by far classier and more relevant women. But I decided to go to seminary as a backup plan. (Education is not on the 4 F list — it’s not a biological decision, but fawning works as allegiance to a denomination so they provided a scholarship.) This was the fortunate outcome of that particular bit of fawning.
Once I was a minister, I discovered the role of the “fawnee” which was a bit distorted by my gender, since people are not accustomed to female clergy. All the women and some of the men know how to fawn on a big powerful charismatic man (or a purportedly wealthy and predatory man) — it’s the way the evangelical mega-congregations work — but are a bit confused by a female. This was the era (70’s going into 80’s) of legitimate lesbianism, and some women were willing to adapt. Suddenly there were flattering females helping me, whether I wanted them or not.
Often I did not. Today, sadly, I discover that if one writes and attracts attention one also attracts fawning. Rather strangely, but persistant — at least on Twitter — is cross-species fawning, especially on pets but also on wild animals. At its most self-destructive and unreal it is described as “buffalo hugging.”
Accidentally, I ran across a doctor who hopes for fawning patients, encourages them with sympathy and friendly prescriptions. Of course, the media are full of fawning peroxide blondes. And publishers can’t tell the differences among fawners, fans and loyal readers.
What cultural forces are causing fawning? Once it was agriculture, which meant men ran everything with their ability to make muscle into food. Then the derived marital economics, which meant that even in cities men were obligated to make money and women were obligated to make homes. The ties were maintaining by fawning, having daddy’s slippers, chair and whiskey ready when he comes home exhausted.
My parent generation was just leaving the farms but had very different responses. My mother and sisters were “good as boys” and neither fawned nor accepted fawning. My father’s sister and sisters-in-law were fawners, i.e. feminine. One in particular lived by fondling and praising. Her daughter was the same but barely concealed under it was rage. The next generation learned to fawn in order to keep the peace caused by frustration,.justified because of being used, confined, underestimated, and only escaping into books or gardening — a few jobs but never the sustained and prosperous life she thought she had married into. In the end she mostly hid.
I’ve returned to the small rural place where I was shielded, exploited, confined until I crashed and knew I had to leave. The experience did not destroy me but taught me much. Many experiments later, I’ve lived alone for a long time, two decades now in this house.
We are living in times when individuals cannot use the four “f’s” of fight/flee/faint/fawn to survive. Now we must learn to act as groups to save us all. So far I haven’t thought of a good alliterative name for that. We just have to do it or go extinct.
